Quick, Like a Poem

Adrenaline
As like the pages from a well worn book
Gradually grace the grooves of individuality
Push the envelope of paycheckings 
Payroll
Endorphins
Elevating the floor to an above average height
So you feel taller without even trying
So you feel lighter without even fighting
Gravity
Quick, like a poem

I'm Sorry Lord

I've been trying to figure things out my whole life
A gift You've given me of insight
But my heart and my mind were never designed

To replace You

I'm sorry Lord 
I've tried to use
Insight as catalyst
Thinking I could achieve more 
If I could just figure out what You want 
Instead of just being 
Filled enough to be poured 
I'm sorry Lord
I've not made you King
Just made you page handler 
Running my dreams 
Instead of thanking you for freeing my heart 
I've taken things that were never meant to be

But You redeem

You've been asking me to let go of time
You sent someone to tell us all to let go of 

Outcome

And Lord if time & outcome are Yours
I have no choice but to rest in this place

I have no choice but to trust You
Because the sum of probabilities for all possible outcomes is equal to one

Yours

And I'm starting to believe 
Time doesn't exist
All I can do is rest 
All I can do is rest

Return Receipts

I am thankful for the tightly sealed communication
Written with love like an autograph 
In the curves of the lines of my own nomanclature.
I am thankful for the care of the straight edges
Outlining the potential savings of purchases,
Each a representation of our saavy family connections.
I am greatful for the details of the package
A half mocking liberty bell | postage marked
So I can picture the time it took to put this in my hands,
And the courage it took to change your day.
I am happy to have these manufacturer's coupons.
But I have a secret.
In a drawer on my desk they are all there
In neat stacks
The remainders of expired conveys of affection
From 800 miles away
And maybe with all of is left
I could cash in
Just once I think I am hoping
The sealed communication
Would open to a love letter
That doesn't expect me 
To discount
That would wish I would return 
With proof of purchase 
Something the manufacturers could never store
I am thankful
Thankful for generations
Thankful for your love
Thankful I know you'll mail me more 
Maybe I should start mailing you receipts

Speak the Speech

"Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue.  But if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines." Hamlet Act 3 Scene 2

Speak the speech
I pray you
Your heart doth drum 
And with the breath of life
Bring truth to yearning 
For the sun 
In the shadow of night
Minds grow numb
Forget the fight that nature knows
To be the noble one 
Rebirth 
The one of rebirth
Two years since I said
Goodbye
Since I told him who is now long gone
"Paths aren't always 
Right side by side"
He'd been taken from his 
For too long
Two years since I turned
My face
Looked only to my God
Speaking sincerity my deepest
Desires 
For which only He knows 
I long
Speak the speech I pray you
The time has come 
Leave memories to memories
And pick up our joyful song
For it is ours if we sing it 
It is ours if we speak it
Speak the speech I pray you
And I will sing along

Novels

I could write novels
Wrap your brain around
Plausible fantasies
Extrapolated from logical
Conclusions that make the hearer
Quicken to come clean

Truth is more solid
And reality much better
Than any fiction
Any writer
Could blog post

Because reality gives us
The hook and eye
Gives us the suspense
The thematic undertones

And the turning of a page
Is only a mimic of the
Timing of your breath

Read your life like a best seller
Embrace the Author
Complete your Nobel character flaws
Reach beyond your fiction

This is factual.
Our lives are the best novelties.

& All I Wanna Do Is Write

You build castles on your dreams- bridges of lovers dangling going places nobody walks to remember anymore, & all I wanna do is write. You make mosaics of thoughts & shine disenchanted light beams from outsourced wisdomaniac platforms- charge a dime for a dozen of vaguely cast shadows- preaching the masses out of their disillusionment, & all I wanna do is write. You fix the broken, unable to turn the blade forward far enough to reach yourself yet you continue to break the unbroken to get to their decrepit bits & suture the unwanted back to being whole- selfless, & all I wanna do is write. Make memories for your memoirs when you sit down in your boxes- make moments make melody- move man, because all I seem to make myself wanna do is write- beyond the fiction, in between the hum drum of our action the beats of rest only found on pages, a lasting tenant of the landlord remarks of ages. Making your moments matter, a hallmark card full of dark matter. Tiny plot go boom. In the span of 90 something, if you're lucky then plus ten- you will follow those bridges, break those mosaics, & even turn the blade. & I will be lucky enough to write, because all I wanna do is write, but I would rather not be assumed as a writer.

And we're back! Mind the bold.

What I Did Yesterday:

Yesterday:

Woke up!  Read the OnePursuit for the week- talkin about confidence we can live in that the world has been redeemed by Christ on the cross.  Take that death!  Everyone chime in with the Discovery Channel theme song

Breakfast, deodorant, brushed my hair and FLOSSED 


Packed my gear & vamanosed to band practice.

Met Joanna, who will be singing with us Easter morning, hugged numerous times- learned two new songs- challenged on my bass fills.  Take that Bb scale!

Hooked a ride with Katy Suppes, long lost office friend from those Park Staff days of old...all the way to Chicago Ave.  Took the sunshiniest walk to the Brown Line possible & rocked out to some easy listenings in the ways of Noah & the Whale.  Bested by the wind on the platform on cue with the train- Marilyn Monroed.

Brown Line train to Washington & Wells, attempted to blend into the important people on my way to the dentist.  Still delighted by the sky scrapers.  Gave a quick shout out to a new friend in hopes of evening rockage.

Dentist chair, and some playful banter amongst the technician, the dentist, and myself.  Life is better when everyone is laughing.  Energy is contagious.  Very proudly, in my best "five year old refrigerator artist" exclaimed I've been flossing twice a day for two weeks.  Take that bad habits!

Called the Pops & let him know the excellent details of no root canal (Praise God) & discussed the gosslings he was on his way to help defend from a group of crows he had been monitoring earlier that week.  Ah family.

33 Roosevelt for some Andy's Custard & fine smelling womanly things (perfume solid!)-attempts at part time job but with present unsurity *lemme have this English, of future schedule ... these attempts are just turning into really great conversations with possible potential coworkers.

Red line train to Lawrence because by this time I was superdeeduper tired & the Novocaine was a goner.

CVS for some ice cream, like a boss & jokes with the cashier lady.

Fatal attempt at laundry sorting, massive headache- ice cream & Demetri Martin, no, how about that Supernatural series from 05.

Bed by 9pm.  Take that fatigue!

What I've Been Up To

These past couple of weeks have been really busy, and I haven't had much time to update.

Rightly so, sometimes silence is best, especially through moments of vast improvements.

Which tend to happen every 6-7months.  This puts me where, August of last year?  Yep, definitely in a transition position. 

So, hang tight, you can jump onto Mindful Meander where i'll be actually journaling this, what I hope to be, journey into the woman that I am, not the woman I was raised to be---------

Clean slate, clean slate--------- 

WHAT I did today January 22

Bloody nose will get you out of bed faster than an alarm clock!
Stuffed nose with cotton
Bible study Ephesians!
Nap
Breakfast
Rescheduled appointments
Teeths brushed, hair reset, deoderant!
Manicure
Errands
Exploring Adventure Neighborhood
Laundry
Lunch
Rehearsal
Ephesians!
Class
Cookies
Dinner
Rehearsal

What I DID today- the newly approved

New Alarm Sound

Breakfast

MMA Dad of friend announcement

Flash Cab Discussion of PitBulls

UV Park Set up complete with Panera Bread Member Card- pic replacement (resourceful)

Full classrooms!

Volunteer Interviews

Baby Dedication 

Crocheting Plans

Message on seeking the person of Christ & not religion, dogma, or signs

Children Church LOOP Breakdown 

Handful of Jelly Beans

Busrides

Snarfs

Cupcakes 

Friends

Bible Study 

Car ride

Crying

Dinner

Searching

Finding

Transposing

Rocking

Reading

Studying

Bed

I like that more, the last was a bit much.  

What I Did Today January 21 (Now with a bonus feature!)

Bonus thought from today:  Writing without my glasses is bliss; reading without my glasses is painful.


What I Did Today!

Woke up from a dream around 7am in which the skin on my legs peeled off completely & revealed really supple & healthy skin underneath
Reset my alarm for 9 because Ballet is at 10, not 9am, and it is a 5 minute walk.
Got dressed, washed, & brushed my teeth
Deodorant!
Walked to Ballet
Stretched
Chatted with Sarah in between lessons
Realized that I am in over my head in many areas
Accepted that I am in over my head in many areas
Crossed directions in my mind & did, plie - pas de bouree instead of chasse - pas de bouree
Corrected my error & flew across the floor like a ballerina...on her second day with promise
Laughed & giggled for the rest of the floor exercises
Dressed & crossed to Starbucks
Ordered coffee & a banana
Had a revelation about what it means when someone doesn't know you
Ate a banana
Tossed the banana
2% in my coffee please
Wrote
Saw Mike Rieman
Questioned if it was Mike Rieman
Texted Mike Rieman to be sure
Checked in with a friend
Responded to a few texts regarding brunch & future girl things
Wrote
Realized the proximity of the Davis Theatre to my home
Watched  a man write things on a newspaper in very neat handwriting
Tried not to think too hard about said man was doing on newspaper
Calendared my gets to dos
Scheduled headshots
Wrote
Traded seats with a woman
Circled all the events I actually went to on my calendar from the last two weeks
Edited the next upcoming two weeks
Traded seats with another woman
Left starbucks
Found a cheap couture shop
Delighted to meet an 11 year old who acted like she ran the place
Happy to see her mom standing next to her, who is clearly very proud of the maturity of her child
Took the Brown line to Chicago
Deposited paychecks for the week
Took a call from Natalie about baby dedication
Went over baby dedication information with Natalie
Called the parents of the child being dedicated
Chatted with Kensen about service tomorrow
Emailed my volunteers about service tomorrow
Fetched laptops for curriculum supplies
High fived Jake Ashey
Loaded LP truck with LOOP Bin
Checked into Church as I checked out of Church
Walked to Brown Line
Stopped by Walgreens & purchased headphones, 24 colored pencils, chocolate, and a vita coco
Put my foot in my mouth big time
Took my foot out of my mouth
Went home
Trash out in heels too lazy to put back on boots
Ate left overs
Dishes
Dinner with Anastasia for our birthdays
Ran into Hilary at restaurant
Met her cousin
Small talk & pleasant conversation
Delicious dinner & deeper conversation with Anastasia
Surprise Flan!
Happy Birthday song to each other.
Car ride home to country music
Bath with Ambient music & Biblical Womanhood study
What I Did Today Post


Bed :)


Goodnight moon!  And you too lone wolf, wherever your path took you this eve.

January 11th

Slept in.
Made breakfast.
Brushed my teeth.
Sent some work emails.
Researched open mic poetry slams in the area
Took a nap
Took a shower
Speaker phoned Tricia while I was getting dressed
Picked up the Burgett's car
Ran into Justin & Matt on Ashland
Stopped the car illegally and talked to Justin & Matt on Ashland
Picked up Anna from school
Made Anna a snack
Took Anna to swim class
Made friends with the new Y employees
Successfully got them to switch channels to Cartoon Network
Planned out tomorrow's needs to be dones
Scheduled meetings with Kensen
Picked up Anna from swim class
Took Anna home
Did homework with Anna
Made Anna dinner
Gave Anna a bath
Laughed at NPR
High fived Tricia Luzadder
Found the most awesome audition ever
Scored potential keyboard time
Made mom's group plans
Drove to the Burgett's house
Cleaned the cats litter, fed them wet food
Drove to Ohare
Made three laps around arrivals
Got a warning that the plates on the Burgett's car were expired
Picked up Mabes and Jack Danger
Checked out the most awesome moon ever
Talked politics with the Burgetts
Scheduled babysitting for Jack Danger
Walked with Taylor to the corner store
Discussed nuances in speech patterns
Focused on clarity of thought in a continual calm tone
Realized half of what I say really isn't understood due to a lack of bridges in conversation & over excitement
Discussed upcoming politics
Discussed theoretical means by which we force unnecessary constraints upon personal passions & desires
Drank awesome hot cocoa from said corner store
Watched two horrible people on one awesome show of Todd Margaret
Sent emails to the LOOP team for this Sunday
Emailed awesome audition
Looked up lyrics
Looked up tabs
Checked blogs
Wrote this is What I Did Today

And now i'm going to bedsie bye

What I did today.

Brief introduction:  I started journal-ling a while ago- the challenge being listing what I did that day without any references to what happened the day before or what is going to happen the next day.  Because this blog is essentially following a very slow story----I thought i'd shift this project onto here.  Essentially incredibly boring but it's the longevity of the exercise that i'm interested in- thanks.  I'm starting out with brass facts, hopefully as this progresses it will move from bullets into a paragraphical saga of mundane adventures. Ooxy moooornon

Free Thoughts: What I did today.

Woke up & hit snooze
Woke up & read the One Pursuit devotion
Got dressed
Brushed my hair
Chatted with a neighbor at the bus stop
Met the bus driver
Took the bus to the Brennan's
Ate breakfast
Drank 3 cups of coffee
Watched Word World with James
Played with cars
Changed James
Made James lunch
Read James a book
Put James down for a nap
Discussed the Brennan's hippie photographer next door neighbor
Discussed having extroverted children as an introvert
Discussed headshots/sittings with the Brennan's next door neighbor
Confused two old drunk Irish men outside of Cork Lounge
Made two old drunk Irish men laugh outside of Cork Lounge
Debated with myself the order of priority of the adj/adv of old, drunk, & Irish
Took the train to Chicago
Walked a new path due to construction at the Chicago stop
Discussed supplies with Raina
Emptied supplies from Sunday
Set out supplies for this Sunday with Michelle
Discussed life with Michelle
Ate a lot of goldfish
LOOP Team meeting about Sunday
Finished supplies with Raina
Walked the same route back
Snapped the daily picture
Oggled an Audi
Made friends with a girl walking down the street
Took the wrong staircase to the train
Window "awed" at art
Silent vow to always take this route
Took the train home & ran into Michael Rosenbuam
Took the first seat I could in order to avoid talking to Michael Rosenbaum
Took the bus home
Asked Taylor to help me move the tree
Cleaned & swept the apartment
Marked the straps on my ballet slippers
Broke in my ballet slippers
Stretched
Discussed Alluvium with Tony & Taylor
Said goodbye to Tony
Said goodbye to Taylor
Practiced for Poetry Slam
Called Andrew
Made some dinner
Attempted to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Attempted to watch a documentary about a guy who makes abstract art using only nature
Watched a couple episodes of Portlandia
Sent some emails
Set up a new part time sitting job on Wednesday mornings
Chatted with Sarah
Posted the TIC
Checked the numbers for my blog rolls
Wrote What I did Today.

And it ain't even ova yet

Jumping Down

There is no more panic as she feels her heart rate settle down into the Earth.  For a moment she wishes she could run but knows that she no longer has anywhere to go.  The beast is dead.  The forest seems empty.  She knows she is not alone.  Up from the ground grow the familiar stalks of life she's nourished from since she was young but no longer in hiding will she need to love this beautiful green planet around her.  She wrestles with the figs & awards herself with an arm and face painting with the rich smelling mud beside her.  Faithful as always to bring a smile across her face.  Terror strikes at any moment so her ears perk at the slightest movement.  She knows she will use this to her advantage eventually.  Her sense are heightened to the point of near numb, a small hum that she hears inside but has never needed to outwardly show desire as it would only lead to greater pain.  As if she were starving to the point of no longer needing food.  The rain falls gently as it does and her hair catches the first drops on the back of her arm, her toes feel the rest and she skips to a covering, aware of those around her growing tall feeling the same rain but so stagnate & stuck in the ground that she can all but laugh at their rigid behavior.  Perhaps their height is what keeps them stationary, always pleased to be a bit taller than the rest.  It's the smaller plants that remain her friends, always willing to clasp hands, and always willing to grace lips with the finest of felt.  The rain drenches her laughing face, and if it weren't for the salt she wouldn't know she was crying.